liquid glitter drops dripping from the fingertips of you

Garrett made me feel guilty about not posting in forever, so here are some quick updates on my life:

1) My Bell's Palsy has almost completely resolved.  My smile is still just a teensy bit lopsided and I have this weird vibrating sensation in my ear when I hear anything loudish, but other than that I think I look like a human being again.

2) I'm still in recovery.  I started an intensive outpatient program here in Tucson yesterday.  It's 3 days a week for 3 hours a day.  Hopefully it'll help keep me on the right path with food.  

3) I'm honestly more worried about other aspects of my mental health besides the eating disorder right now.  I've been pretty profoundly depressed the last few weeks.  I have an appointment with my shrink July 2nd so hopefully they can tweak my meds and get me back to normal.

4) Daniel is in India.  He's been there forever (or that's how it feels anyway).  When he gets back in early July he's leaving again a few days later for 2 conferences, so I won't really have him home til the end of July.  Which sucks.  I'm lonely.

5) Work is work.  I still want to go back to school.  I seem to have some kind of block about actually doing the application process though.  Don't know what that's about.

6) I just started reading The Collected Poems of Langston Hughes.  Before that I re-read Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman.  I have a couple of things on hold at the library too.

7) I'm still feeling pretty "blah" about Tucson.  Wish I could be in Maryland to see my family, my Jon and Monkee, and get together with some of the people I've reconnected with online, like Marcia and Angela.  Also wish I could be there in August to see Amelia when she visits.  And then I wish I could go to Austria to visit her!  I'd love that.

8) I feel like I'm being a downer so I'll stop now.  Hope this is enough to pacify Garrett =)  Also, 8 is my lucky number.

"Fundamentalists believe that marriage is between a man and a woman and for the purpose of creating a family. A gay couple is incapable of having their own children, they assert, so they do not qualify to be married. But what of heterosexual couples who marry with no intention of having children. Beyond any issues of infertility or illness, there are men and women who are married in the eyes of the state, enjoying all of the legal benefits, who have no intention of having children. They seek only companionship and all of the entitlements that come with marriage. Sex, joy, partnership, caring. All of that is theirs, even though they will never bear children and willfully so. If the state says they are free to do that, why aren't gay couples, as well."
-Alec Baldwin on HuffPo

The night before last, I developed a moderate earache in my right ear.  Strange for me, because I've never had ear problems.  Yesterday the earache persisted and I figured I'd give it 24 hours to see if it resolved, and if not I'd hit up an Urgent Care for some antibiotics.  Then during lunch, I started feeling slightly feverish.  I also noticed that I had lost taste in part of my  tongue.  "Weird," I thought.  I figured maybe I had been putting on too much Chapstick and part of my tongue was covered in petroleum jelly or something.  Sure, looking back that seems like a poor explanation, but I have never been a hypochondriac or medical alarmist.  Having worked in the field I knew that sometimes the body just goes a little nutso for no reason at all and then corrects itself just as suddenly.  Besides I wasn't having any truly alarming symptoms...

Until 11:00 that night.  I had prepared some tomato soup and was attempting to eat it, but to my consternation it kept dribbling out of the right corner of my mouth.  My lips were also making an uncharacteristic smaking sound in an attempt to keep the soup in.  It dawned on me that the entire right side of my face  had gone somewhat numb, as if I'd just gotten back from an appointment with a novocaine-happy dentist.  I looked in the mirror, and, to my horror, observed that the right side of my face was drooping downwards as if the muscles had gone a bit slack.  Crap.

Cue the freakout.  I was 99% sure that I was having a stroke, because I know a lot about medicine, and I didn't know of anything else that could cause these symptoms to come on so suddenly.  Daniel drove me to the ER.  As I sat in the waiting room, I noticed that the vision in my right eye was going a bit blurry.  I tried to keep a mental sountrack of "Everything's okay, you're going to be fine" going, but every so often it would turn into "I'm going to die!!! Holy fuck!" 

Luckily, the staff got me back super soon (in ER time, anyway) and the triage nurse examined me and came up with a preliminary diagnosis of Bell's Palsy.  I had no idea what that was, but she seemed pretty cheerful about it, so my heart rate started to slow down.  The doctor confirmed her diagnosis and explained what the heck Bells Palsy means.  Cranial Nerve VII, (a.k.a. the facial nerve) becomes inflamed (probably due to some virus) and is unable to innervate the muscles on the effected side of the face.  Therefore, the muscles lose sensation and motor functioning.  It is a perfectly harmless idiopathy, albiet annoying as hell.  The doc said it would probably last between 7 and 10 days and gave me a script for some oral steroids on the off chance that they would help relieve the inflammation of the offending nerve. 

I did some reasearch on the internet, and aparantly this Bell's Palsy thing is pretty common.  The 7 to 10 day prognosis was probably a bit optimistic though, as many people end up dealing with some degree of symptoms for at least a couple of months and as long as a year.  A few unfortunates end up with it for the rest of their lives.  It seems that starting the steroids early speeds up the course of it, so that's good.

Also, I learned a neat trick for figuring out if you've really had a stroke.  For one thing, a whole side of your body would become weak, not just half your face.  Also, people who have had a stroke can still wrinkle their foreheads, whereas half the forehead is Botox-still in Bell's Palsy.  So remember that, kiddies, the next time tomato soup comes dripping out of your mouth.

I'm baaaaack!  Well I'm not home quite yet, but I'm at a day treatment program where I have internet access, woot woot!  Things are going much better, I'm happy to say.  My depression and anxiety are soooooo much improved.  As far as the eating disorder, I've made good progress, still have a long way to go.  Unfortunately, I can only take 30 days off work and still keep my insurance so it's back to Tucson on Wednesday.  Don't get me wrong, it will be great to come back to Daniel and Oreo.  But being away has made me realize just how unhappy I've been in Tucson.  The hot weather is AWFUL, I resent the company I work for, and I don't have any friends there.  Hopefully I can get involved in some activities and meet people with common interests.  Honestly I've been wanting to come back to Maryland.  Not because Maryland is all that great in and of itself but just because almost everyone I care about lives there (at least for part of the year, Amelia!)  For now, gotta concentrate on taking care of myself and not slipping back into old behaviors.  Holla at a sister, all my LJ bretheren!!!!!

Well, friends, I believe all of you here know of my long and storied history with mental illness.  'Tis a chronic issue in my life, though I've been lucky to have periods of recovery and happiness mixed in with all the depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, etc.  Actually it's not all luck - I should give myself some credit cause it's HARD WORK recovering from mental illness.  

Alas- recent circumstances (both internal and external) have been conspiring towards a relapse of epic proportions.  Therefore I shall be checking in to this lovely facility for a month or so.  I want to let everyone know that even though I hardly write on my own lj, I do check each of yours out every day, and it makes me very happy to see my friends' ramblings.  So keep on writing, and when I get out I'll have a cornicopia of posts to brighten my world.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Moved to Tucson, AZ

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I didn't make any, but this year I resolved to try not to gossip.

3. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
I went to see the movie Doubt with my mom, and it was really excellent.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Gamps (paternal grandfather).

5. What countries did you visit?
No countries but I was in 4 states: California, Nevada, Arizona, and Maryland.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Regular maid service.  No, seriously.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Probably August 1st because that's when we moved to Tucson.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Getting 2 promotions in one week.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not taking care of myself as far as healthy habits.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just the usual colds and migraines.  I did get an extremely persistent cough when I first started working at my new job (there was a lot of mold in the vents.)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Well, I didn't pay for my dog, but she was the best thing I got!

12. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, student loans, other bills.

13. What song will always remind you of 2008?
It's silly, but "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyonce.  Funny memories.

14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Going out with friends.

15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sitting at home being lazy.

16. What was your favorite TV program?
It's a tie: 30 Rock and The Office.

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate anyone, but there are certain people I don't trust right now who I did not know last year.

18. What was the best book you read?
Hard one!  Wow, again, this is gonna seem silly, but it was Twilight.  I'm not a teenybopper, I swear. 

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Several:  The Orion Experience, Marie Digby, Okkervil River

20. What was your favorite film of this year?
Doubt

21. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 27.  I went to Eileen's parents' house for dinner.  (We share a birthday.)

22. What kept you sane?
Daniel!

23. Who did you miss?
Amelia, Jon, Aunt Judi, Grams and Gamps, Ana

24. Who was the best new person you met?
Ana, and then she had to go and move away! 

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
I'm not happy at my job unless I'm really helping people in need.

For me, it's HBO's Carnivale.  It was an aesthetically beautiful show with a superb cast and awesome enigmatic plots (LOST would be jealous!)  I suppose it only got 2 seasons because you had to watch every single episode to keep up.  And this was before DVR fully caught on.  For those who aren't familiar, the show centered around Ben, played by Nick Stahl, a Great Depression era carnie with mysterious, Jesus-like powers.  His arch nemisis was Brother Justin (played by the deliciously sinister Clancy Brown), a demon possessed preacher out to destroy him.   Rounding out the main storyline were lots of great little intrigues and goings-on at the traveling carnival Ben worked with.  I absolutely recommend renting the DVDs.

Since I was on here bitching about my unemployment, I thought I'd let everyone know that I got a job.  I start next Monday.  I'll be working as a Behavioral Health Technician in a transitional group home for people with mental illness.  There will be about 6 clients in the house, and two staff per shift.  This is exactly the type of job I wanted, so I'm pretty thrilled!   Now I just gotta get my shit together and finish my applications for grad school.

Marty's twitter post alerted me to some new dealie on iTunes called Genius.  Basically it's their new "intelligent" system of recommendation.  I must concur with his assessment:  pretty impressive.

Who the hell knew that my two favorite Bens (Folds and Kweller) made an EP together in 2004?!  Oh yeah, there's also a Ben Lee on there, but all I know about him is that he dated Claire Danes.  Anyway, their little group is called The Bens (duh), and the songs are really good!  How did I not know about this?  Thank you, Genius!

Other music I am loving right now:  the new Aimee Mann album and the new Jason Mraz album.  Also that little Philipina singer girl (Charise Pempengco) who was on Oprah.  I know, it's a guilty pleasure, but seriously, that girl has pipes!

Skip to 1:35 and prepare to have your mind blown

Too bad I don't like weed. 

Seriously, though, I really need a job.  6 weeks of unemployment is more than enough, thank you very much.  I've put out a ton of resumes, but the market is horrible right now.  So many unemployed people means that employers can be super picky.  I did have 1 job interview, which went really well, and I was told I'd have a call back about a second interview.  I even called them and left a message saying how much I was looking forward to the second interview and how great it would be to work for them. 

*Rosie stares at her tauntingly silent phone*

I adopted Oreo from my brother.  She's about 1 year old, and she has a very sweet disposition.

Daniel's not really a dog person, but he's been a good sport.

I love the paw cross action in this one!

Maryland= Medium traffic
Los Angeles= Horrific traffic
Tucson= No traffic

Maryland= Rains a bunch
Los Angeles= Almost never rains
Tucson= Late night thunderstorms for a couple months of the year

Maryland= Slugs
Los Angeles= Snails
Tucson= Lizards

Maryland= The Smithsonians
Los Angeles= The Getty and The Huntington
Tucson= Um, nothing?  Some kinda small MOCA, but I shouldn't be too harsh since I have not actually been there yet.

Maryland= Old Ellicott City
Los Angeles= Santa Monica Main Street, Venice Boardwalk
Tucson= 4th Avenue

Maryland= Green stuff everywhere!
Los Angeles= Palm trees and jacarandas
Tucson= desert, desert, saguaros, mountains

Maryland= 4 seasons
Los Angeles= Mild and sunny all the time
Tucson= Hotter than a lava flow in hell

Maryland= Drum and Bass
Los Angeles= Hipster Rock
Tucson= Remains to be seen

That's all I got so far, people... So, where would YOU want to live?

Just thought my friends on here would like to know I am moving to Tucson, AZ on August 1st... 

I have mixed feelings about this, but mostly I'm looking forward to it.

Daniel is getting his PhD and his advising professor just accepted a position heading up the Comp Sci dept. at UA in Tucson.  So Daniel is choosing to go along with his adviser rather than start all over with another prof at USC.

Meanwhile I'll be applying for graduate programs in Clinical Psychology at some Arizona schools, and I'm hoping to get a job working as a behavioral health tech on a psych unit.

It should be exciting (our apartment has a pool, yay! - and a dishwasher, yay!). but there are a lot of things I will miss about Southern California.

I'll miss the beautiful weather, and having the ocean 10 miles away.  I'll miss the great museums and galleries I've discovered here, and the wonderful, caring friends I've made.  But mostly I'll miss PINKBERRY! No Pinkberry in Tucson!  *sob*